Counseling advice given to parents seeking help with their children's problem behavior can be synthesized into "Five Must Do's” of family rule making. These suggestions have been made to help parents make a paradigm shift in their thinking patterns of child rearing.
The advice is to have a paradigm shift where the parent is proactive in promoting the emotional, physical and mental ability of their child that brings about positive behavior. It’s to shift away from changing negative behavior by either reacting negatively or punitively when negative behavior occurs.
The paradigm shift is to help parents and caregivers create an environment where the child can learn what is right, what is wrong and the differences between these two concepts, without the child losing their uniqueness.
The "Five Must Do's” can help parents to create a learning environment for positive behavior.
Create a Safe Learning Environment
A safe learning environment is where a child can develop a sense of trust and dependability on adult authority figures. How? A sense of safety, security and dependability on authority figures is developed when social boundaries, i.e., rules and guidelines, are set in a fair, equitable and tangible manner.
Social boundaries in the form of family rules are to provide a child, and other family members, a picture of how they are expected to relate to each other. As your writing teacher once taught you in writing class, convey your thoughts using the five C's: be clear; be concise; be compelling; be correct; and be consistent.
The Five Must Do’s of Family Rules
Be Clear
The counseling advice that has been shared with parents on being clear is to use language that is appropriate for the child's age as you attempt to explain the rules. Attempt to use words that clearly relate the idea or concept that you have in mind, but at a level for the child's mind to comprehend.
Yes, children respond to words you use every day, but do they really understand some of the nuances associated with those words? Remember, grade schoolers are expected to recognize certain sight words at specific grade levels as they learn to read. However, it does not necessarily mean that they fully understand there meaning.
Parents can aid in the process of their child understanding and adapting to the family rules by making them less wordy. Also, in the concept of being less wordy use symbols and/or familiar icons to represent the ideas you are including in the rules.
Be Concise
The counseling advice for parent to be concise hinges on eliminating words with double meanings or too loose for an interpretation. Everybody likes to have loopholes in their contracts, but having them in family rules and guidelines leads to misinterpretation of rules and produces chaos.
The rules and guidelines should be concise enough that the most clever child cannot wrangle their way out, through or around them. The tip for making the rules and guideline concise that loopholes do not surface is to have your children share in the authorship of the rules and there details.
Family members are more likely to take ownership of the rules and guidelines if they are a part of creating them.
There is a biblical quote that states, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” A valuable tip given to parents is to have them, along with the child, agree on what is written and said in the rules.
Be Compelling
The counseling advice here is to have the parent project provide a sense of excitement that the child can catch onto for themselves. The parent is not to use coercive, vindictive or harassing tactics that play out into power struggles.
The parent is to give a sense of 'we' are a team and the rules and guidelines are for the good of all. Be compelling in your attitude so the child does not feel that they are a minor issue or an afterthought in family life. Everyone should remember that the more you get a person to invest in your plans and goals the more likely they will.
The goal of family rules and guidelines is to improve family dynamics.
Be Correct
The counseling advice on being correct is twofold. All rules and guidelines should be fair and applicable to all members of the family. There is no place for favorites when consequences are given for rule infractions, it's an all for one and one (rule) for all proposition.
A second issue for this bit of advice is for the parent to be able to stand to be corrected when they discover that they are wrong. The number one complaint from children, who are clients, is that parents say one thing and do something different. Be as correct in the interpretation and application of rules and guidelines as possible.
Parents do not let ego, frustration or personal opinion overshadow what you are trying to accomplish for the family. Remember a family goal of peace and tranquility between all members is achievable if everyone feels that are being treated fairly.
Be Consistent
The counseling advice here is to be the picture of fairness, integrity and trustworthiness for your children’s eyes to see and ultimately follow. A second tip in consistency is to be available for your child to discuss where, when and how the family has progressed toward adhering to family rules and changes may be in order.
The purpose of family rules and guidelines is to establish a norm of behavior. Once the family has demonstrated that there is a positive change toward normalcy, as established by all parties following the rules, then reward everyone by establishing less restrictive rules.
Conclusion
Positive gains may occur in small increments, but they are gains nonetheless, acknowledge them and move forward. A sense of accomplishment in completing any task will uplift the entire family's sense of connectedness.
Sources:
The Holy Bible, http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=
Lanternfish Language Arts. 2007. Retrieved from http://bogglesworldesl.com/dolch/lists.htm
Scott White. 2006. The Five C’s of Quality Writing retrieved from http://scottwhite1.articlesbase.com/non-fiction-articles/the-five-cs-of-quality-writing-73769.html
Samuel Means - Samuel Means is pastor and counselor who works toward helping families find the resources they need to build strong positive ...
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